A Page From My Journal

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Sometimes, it’s just good to know you’re not alone. And that you’re normal.

I was looking through my journal this week and thought I’d open a page to you to see if you can relate to my struggle and my prayer that God would help me hold on to what’s true.  I’m hoping we’ll all realize we’re not alone.

Friday, February 8, 2013

My emotions are at high tide right now. I believe there is a lot of spiritual warfare swirling. The core areas my my life feel a bit wobbly and out of control. Clutching and grasping and working really hard is exhausting. I’m feeling very vulnerable about being known – sharing my Emerging Journey Narrative, going deeper in friendships and being called out on one of my biggest weaknesses.

“My soul finds rest in God alone.” Deep Breath. “My salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation.” Not my accomplishments, job, not my wisdom or likability. “Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.” (Psalm 62)

I am already known. God does not reject me. He knows my flaws. Weaknesses. Frailty. My contradictions. My hypocrisy.  He knows I am dust. Yet He leans down and breathes into me. “He hims me in – behind and before. He has laid his hand on me.” (!) Psalm 139:5

Breathe on me, oh God. Revive me by your spirit. Fill my mind with clarity and truth. Show me how to be open handed, but not passive. Show me how to be humble and confident. Show me how to rest in while while I do the work you have given – house work and so much more.

Give me gentleness and patience with my precious children. Give me a tender and generous heart with my husband. Help me be a woman of my word. Help me let go of fears and insecurities and offenses. I long to live lightly and freely in your unforced rhythms of grace (Matthew 11:29, MSG) I long to run in the paths of your commands because you have set my heart free (Psalm 119:32). Free. I breathe in your freedom. I breathe out grace and patience. I release fear and striving. I release my need for approval and self-centeredness. Heal my wounds. Set right my reasoning, thoughts and motives.

Release my creativity and joy in living, seeing, experiencing every sense and texture.

My hands are open. Father, my heart is open. Spirit, my life is yours. Jesus, I choose you. I choose humble confidence.

How can I pray for you? Where are you seeing God breathe life and hope into you? Can you relate to my struggles? 

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